for me, love has nothing to do with sex
I’ve always been convinced that I was heterosexual. Yeah, I liked guys and I appreciated them. Well, guess what, readers. I’m thinking that I’m not straight, and I’m pretty sure about this.
I’m asexual.
I’m pretty aware of that I’m going to lose some readers by coming out on my blog. As far as I know, some of you come from cultures that are pretty hostile toward non-heterosexuals. I’m sorry, but deal with it. I know that I was born this way, and there is nothing I can do to transform myself into some heteronormative person. And to clear things up, I was not sexually abused when I was a child. I’m not mentally or emotionally insane. I’m not too ugly to get guys; in fact, I’ve been asked out many times, sometimes by pretty cute guys. I’m definitely not a closet lesbian, as there is no way that you can have me attracted to girls in a sexual way.
So I’m asexual. So what, does me being sexually attracted to neither sex makes me a bad person? I’m still romantically attracted to guys, but sometimes I wonder if I’m actually biromantic…I’ll figure out someday, and you guys will be the first to hear when I figure out my “romantic orientation” as I call it.
Why am I ranting so much today…Anyways, if you think you might be asexual, meaning that you are not sexually attracted to either sex, there is a community of us on the web called “AVEN.”(www.asexuality.org). Remember that asexuality is a rare sexual orientation, and that there are many people who don’t even know that asexuality exists.
I think asexuality should be a part of the LGBT movement… Most people know that those orientations exist, and gays can get support from various gay rights organizations when they need to. Whereas for asexuals, there really isn’t any support organization other than AVEN and many people don’t even know that we exist…okay enough with the stupid rantings that nobody even cares about. :P
Written by SJFF
Do not take out
wow. This is the first time i hear bout asexual. So if ur an asexual, meaning u won’t fall in love with both sex?no intention to have any ’skinship’? U said u still romantically attracted to guys,but not a lesbo,what’s the ‘asexual’ about it?well, what i get is u still interested in guys,but that’s it,no further step…is that rite? I never think much of this stuff,but i think maybe its a little hard for a non-heterosexual to live among heteros.. Personally i don’t have a problem to socialize with nonheteros,but it will be dissapointing if the guy i like not attracted to me bcoz of this thing.lol
oh,anyway, i haven’t receive the password yet ^^
Comment by puppylova — September 29, 2009 @ 2:24 am
Congratualtions on coming out!! Seriously, that’s great~ ^_^
if you are concerned about people who will think differently about you or stop visiting your blog; screw them. You don’t need biased idiots like that on this blog, anyway. Your faithful readers will stay~ (including me :D). It’s really great that you’ve figured out where you stand in the fields of relationships and stuff. It’s admirable of you to not be afraid to show people who you truly are. It’s a brave feat to do :3 Even if you DO happen to announce you are les or bi or het, whatever, I will continue to read your blog. Continue to be yourself in life, and you will be fine no matter what! ^_~
sjff, FIGHTING!!
<3
Comment by Saabs — September 29, 2009 @ 6:37 am
@puppylova: I’m hetero(or bi)-asexual, meaning that I’m not sexually attracted to anyone, but still ROMANTICALLY ATTRACTED to guys(or even girls sometimes). I’m still attracted to people, and I’m capable of loving someone:P. In fact I’ve had boyfriends. There are many different kinds of attraction. When I have a crush on a guy, I don’t want to rip his clothes off and have sex with him. I think about holding hands with him and cuddling and all that good stuff. Read this if you’ve got some time to kill and learn more about us: http://www.asexuality.org/wiki/index.php?title=Sexual_attraction#Sexual_attraction
Oh snappppp! I’ll send that to you ASAP!
@Saabs: Aw, thank you so so so so so so so so so so so so so so muchx1000000000000000000000000000000 for your support! *tears* That was so sweet!
I was actually expecting some religious fundies come over to my blog and yell at me haha:’D
Comment by sjff — September 29, 2009 @ 12:37 pm
So, emotionally and such, you connect with guys on a romantic level, but sexually, you’re attached to neither gender? Fine by me. : D Anyone who bashes or criticizes you for it needs to get a life. I’m glad you’re comfortable with yourself, however, and the way you are – that’s the most important thing! : D And by the way, there is now the term “LGBTQIA” which means Lesbian/Gay/Bisexual/Transexual/Questioning/Intersexual/Asexual. : D UC San Diego apparently has a big community of it! :3
I wish I could be as brave as you, making this announcent on your public blog. :/ I’m having troubles of this sort of my own, and well. Yeah. Y’know how people sometimes are really really harsh. :/
Comment by sopebar — September 29, 2009 @ 6:35 pm
@sopebear: Hmm, I guess you could say that.
Haha, I’m still trying to get used to this whole asexuality thing. I’ve always thought of myself as a heterosexual, so this is still really confusing for me. But I’m still happy that I discovered my sexual preference:)
I really like the term “LGBTQIA”! I want to transfer to UC San Diego! Know any cute asexual guys?;) But out-of-state tuition fees are just too much for me. I wish I had lived in California during my high school years.
YEAH people are so freaking mean sometimes. I’ve told some of my friends and now some people who used to be really close to me are avoiding me..And they’ve even spread rumors like how I’m a closet lesbian and tried to get guys to avoid me.:[ Well, imagine what gay/bi kids had to go through when THEY came out to their peers..sigh. This is 21st century, why can’t people accept us for who we are?
You think you might be asexual too? Haha:)
Comment by sjff — September 29, 2009 @ 7:32 pm
I don’t know If I said it already but …I’m so glad I found this site…Keep up the good work I read a lot of blogs on a daily basis and for the most part, people lack substance but, I just wanted to make a quick comment to say GREAT blog. Thanks, :)
A definite great read..Jim Bean
Comment by JimmyBean — October 1, 2009 @ 10:33 am
emm..so did u mean that asexual = u love a guy but didn’t mean to have sex with him??? is it for now or forever???
“for me, love has nothing to do with sex”,,agreee *nods*
actually i will appreciate to all kind of sexualities…cuz love is beautiful…
Comment by YuRi — October 1, 2009 @ 11:03 am
@Jimmy Bean: Thank you for the nice compliment!:) Seriously, you just made my day!
@YuRi: No, I just don’t get sexual attraction towards either sex. I do have mild sex drives, but I don’t have sexual attraction. Like I said, when I get a crush on a guy or a girl(I’m pretty sure that I’m bi-romantic now but I still have some doubts), I don’t want to rip their clothes off and have sex with them. Some asexuals are aromantic(meaning that they’re not romantically attracted to anyone), but I’m romantically attracted to guys and girls. I still get crushes, but not in that kind of way. I just want to get to know them, hold their hands, and cuddle, but no sex.
Say a really hot guy(cuz I prefer guys over girls:)) that I like is standing naked in front of me, trying to get me to have sex with him.. I wouldn’t get any feelings, I would just be like, “umm…put on your clothes and we can cuddle?” whereas if I WERE sexual I would probably have sex with him right there. Visit http://www.asexuality.org if you want to learn more about us.:P
No, it’s not a phase. Sexuality is biological, we’re just born with it. I was born this way and I can’t change it. I’ve never had sexual attraction to anyone in my life, and I’m 19 now, so I’m pretty sure that this is what I am.
Thanks though, for supporting me!:DDDD
Comment by sjff — October 1, 2009 @ 1:27 pm
well..that’s true sexuality is biological…
by the way may i ask u something cuz i can’t get open that link u gave me cuz of my slowly *and stupid connection*…cuz i’m just curious…in some religions teach their followers to not make love/have sex before married??? is it related to asexuality or…it’s just naturally???sorry even *i feel like* i can understand ur explanation…but i keep wondering about it…sorry for asking u this question…thank you XD
Comment by YuRi — October 3, 2009 @ 11:13 am
^^ see see see
I’m impressed you tell us this so open. And I totally support you. Don’t let other bash on you. I’m amused that I did know what asexuality is and the others are still asking. You explained it well enough though.See the people bashing on you are just close-minded and deserve nothing, but to be ignored. It doesn’t change my view on you at all.You are a nice, open-minded and refreshing sarcastic person and I’ll follow your blog.Sex isn’t all.People shoudl get that into their heads finally.
I actually have an asexual friend whom the most people claim being gay because he’s very feminine.For me it’s not new and I don’t see it as something “wrong”. Being bi- or hetero- or homo- or asexual is normal. Just keep on going. You are brave ;)
Comment by xKeirafanx — October 3, 2009 @ 11:30 am
@YuRi: I’m a Protestant Christian and some of us believe that you shouldn’t have sex before marriage, but many of us are more liberal and do have sex before marriage. However, when one CHOOSES not to have sex, it’s called “celibacy,” not asexuality. For asexuals, we’re just not attracted to people in sexual way. Some asexuals have high sex drives and do choose to have sex. Besides, according to a recent AVEN survey, many asexuals at AVEN are atheists.
It’s pretty normal for you to not quite get what I’m trying to say:P You’re heterosexual right? I don’t get how people can be sexually attracted to other people, but it’s only because I have never been sexually attracted to another. :)
@xKeirafanx: Danke!!:) Okay, that was my really lame attempt at German, but really, thank you! Haha, many people have called me a lesbian too, when I’m just not sexually attracted to guys. I’m romantically attracted to girls, but even though I’m biromantic, I still prefer guys:)
Asexuals seem to be fascinated with the concept of androgyny more than sexuals, not trying to generalize or anything. I guess your friend is one of those androgynious asexuals? That’s pretty cool, since most androgynious asexuals that I’ve met were girls..But again, there are more female asexuals than male asexuals:)
And for the people who are asking..well, you know a lot about sexuality stuffs!:) Many people are unfamiliar with the concept of asexuality. I’ve had some people telling me flat out that asexuality doesn’t exist, confusing asexuality with “asexual reproduction” or something:( I blame this on the crappy biology education they teach at American public schools, but I mean, what do I expect? One of my biology teachers once told my class that Eurasian(half Asian half white) kids will always turn out looking 100% Asian because “Asians are less evoluted than whites so Asians have more dominant genes.” :D I’m kinda used to people asking me what asexuality is. They’re at least nicer than people calling me an amoeba or something haha:)
Comment by sjff — October 3, 2009 @ 1:38 pm
@ sjff: there are too many stupid people out there to deserve attention
and my friend actually is androgynious asexual. Some people mistake him for a woman. All he is interested in is his music. He is a church musician, but hear him talk about God when he has his cynical time (which he has mostly)..it is fun.
about knowing things about sexuality: it is just my parents again. My mother studied social pedagogic and her parents are freaking free birds, convinced pacifists and so open-minded it amazes me. It happens they know more about new trends like e.g. geocaching than I do.
My mother taught us about sexuality in all different forms from the start. She said it is all fine, what we prefer depends on us. There is object love too. Even german tv made a report about it. There is e.g. a woman that is in love with the Eiffeltower for more than ten years. Or a man that loves an old steam engine.They are happy,so what? Why bash on them? It is fine.
I hate to discuss with close-minded people if I’m honest. You will never be able to discuss with them reasonable. It is sad. I started to glare at my friends when the used the words “gay” and “handicapped” as insulting words. They almost stopped saying them at all by now. And when they do, they apologize.
So hwaiting ;)
Comment by xKeirafanx — October 3, 2009 @ 2:24 pm
@xKeirafanx: I’m guessing that you’re an atheist/agonistic? :D
HahaxD it’s good that you’re making a difference!
I really don’t care who’s in love with anyone or any”thing”, as long as they don’t harm others(my little Libertarian moment) either. It’s their life, so I mean, why should we even care.
I learned about geocaching in my human geography class and I was like, O_O? I think it sounded fun but again, I’m a really lazy person. I’d rather sleep or go onto Facebook haha:D Not that it isn’t cool or anything. I mean, your family sounds really cool and open-minded. I wish my parents were like your parents. I didn’t even come out to my parents because I know that they will take me to some Christian fundamentalist “Turn your kid into a heterosexual!” class or something. My gay friend went there and they called him a sinner and made him stare at Megan Fox’s picture for 10 minutes:D He’s still gay, but he acts straight in front of his parents because he’s feeling really sorry that they spent all their money on nothing, trying to turn him straight:D Anyways, my parents don’t even know that asexuality exists, but they’re really, really, really homophobic, so I’m just keeping it to myself. But again, they live on the other side of the continent:)(they live in the Southeastern part of US, I live in California)
I really hate to discuss with close-minded people too!!!! I’m pro-choice to be honest, and whenever we had a debate session on womens’ choice at schools, it was painful for me to sit there and listen to all the anti-choice rantings like, “if you’re not ready for a baby don’t have sex!”(sex for pleasure, anyone?), and “God will send you to hell you baby-killing murderers!”(like all pro-choicers have had abortions). It’s quite entertaining, actually.
Comment by sjff — October 5, 2009 @ 12:25 pm
well..i got it..thank you…
and yes,,i’m heterosexual..XD
but like what i said before…i appreciate all kind of sesualities…and u have the right to choose whatever u want…and no one can’t blame u…
yea…hwaiting…!!!!!!!
^___^
Comment by YuRi — October 8, 2009 @ 11:21 am
@YuRi: I’m pretty sure that you didn’t mean it, but I was quite offended when you made this statement: ” u have the right to choose whatever u want…” Once again, I did NOT choose to become asexual. I was BORN this way. People choosing not to have sex are celibate, not asexual. Asexuals can have sex if they want to, but they’re just not sexually attracted to anyone and they can’t help it.
But I mean, you seem like a nice person. I’m sure that you didn’t mean it.:P
Comment by sjff — October 10, 2009 @ 3:21 pm
it’s either you’re gay,straight, bisexual, homosexual, Asexual or whatever that term you want to call that, who cares! you’re human not mutant, live with it…Labeling is stupid!
Comment by boom — October 10, 2009 @ 8:19 pm
i’m soooo sorry i really didn’t mean that…well,better for me not to comment anything else…cuz i didn’t mean to hurt you or anybody else with my statement…okay-okay..XD
Comment by YuRi — October 11, 2009 @ 12:33 pm
@ sjff: believe it or not, I was raised protestant xDDD
I’m not even sure if I’m a christian child.God is nice,but isn’t he more like a person that you are sure of he is always there and always loves you for everything and forever? He is personification of the perfect partner I sometimes think.But,oooooh,are those christian thoughts? Siwon go make me pretty protestant believer again *rofl*
I love my family.They can be the normal amout of annnoying,but there is always love when you need it (and when you don’t and just want to grunge them).
I feel sorry for your friend. I hate those parents that just cannot accept it.There comes a time in life that we are on our own and when parents still think they can mess around with our love life, it feels like being unable to mature.Parents can’t pamper you all the time and should let you decide what to love and prefer.
*lol* yes pro-choice…in Germany people debate too (where not?) and I’m pro-choice too.Just thinking about it,can you force a girl to give birth to a child that results from rape? When career is the focus or the child will be handicapped and she is convinced she can’t make it with a handicapped child,should the state make them give birth? People anti-choice tend to generalize,but pregnancy is not the same for every woman.
Though it is funny listening to debates on the stupidest things (like Katie Price getting new implants and if it is unhealthy or not…hey,we have global warming,THAT is a serious thing to talk about…anyway).
Comment by xKeirafanx — October 14, 2009 @ 9:59 am
@boom: Apparently a lot of people care. But thanks:)
@YuRi: Like I said, I’m NOT trying to make you feel bad! I liked your sweet comments actually:) Keep on commenting!
@xKeirafanx: I’m currently going through that “Is God Real?” stage as well. I think a lot of Christian teens go through it actually. I mean, if you think about it, the sole reason why we’re Christians is because our parents brought us up that way. I’m probably not going to get baptized any time soon. My parents want me to, but I’d rather not get baptized than to be a hypocrite just to make others happy. But I guess God is real, after all. Whenever I was going through a hard time, I just knew someone would be there for me. And there was.
Haha, I bet a lot of girls would go Protestant just for Siwon!:D I can’t believe how many comments I’m receiving on rhe “SJ Profile page” are coming from concerned non-Christian fangirls:D
I’m probably going to sign up for that “Turn Straight!!” class at my local Christian fundamentalist church just to see what it’s like. From what I’ve heard it sounds hilarious. Two of the gay guys who were forced to go there once made out in front of the preacher just to make him mad. HAHAHA:D It was immature but in a funny kind of way. And yes, I agree that parents shouldn’t have any control over their child’s love life. It’s personal.
I really hate to just sit there listening to anti-choicers calling me a murderer. Being given birth is a previledge, not a right. The government and Christian fundamentalists shouldn’t force their beliefs on other women. Women aren’t breeding pigs, for Pete’s sake.
Haha, who cares if one wants to get breast implants?:D That’s really stupid. Yes, STOP GLOBAL WARMING!:)
Comment by sjff — October 15, 2009 @ 8:02 pm
@ sjff: a ‘Turn straight’ class? This can only come from fundamentalistic Christians (sorry)
making out infront of the preacher, brave…and funny
*lol*
Comment by xKeirafanx — October 18, 2009 @ 7:51 am
plz dont take any of the questions im about to ask the wrong way. its just pure curiosity. umm, you said your not attracted to females and you still can be attracted romantically to males. but how about sex?? do you just please yourself when it comes down to that. and if you tell me you cant be turned on by anything or anyone, explain.
Comment by upgrade134851peachzz — October 25, 2009 @ 12:58 pm
@upgrade134851peachzz: I feel like I’m being summoned merely for opening up on my sexual orientation, but okay.
Psh, I love girls. I’m biromantic. I just prefer guys because they make me feel like a damsel in distress.:)
I don’t want sex. Really, that’s the whole point of asexuality. Asexuals aren’t sexually attracted to anyone, period. Yes, we sometimes have sex drives, but a lot of asexuals have little to no sex drives at all. Do we masturbate? Some of us do, but a lot of us don’t. I personally think porn is funny and see no point of masturbating to it. Do I have sex drives? For an asexual, I have pretty high sex drives. I don’t know if it’s just me, but either a shopping spree, a 4-hour nap, or a punk rock gig pretty much sweats it off. To be honest, I don’t see the point in staring into a porn and fingering yourself when you can just go to a punk show and come out hyper and happy? But that’s just me. Sorry if that wasn’t clear enough.
Are you serious? I just got back from my class and I have to “explain” asexuality all over again? I don’t want to write a five-paragraph essay on this. Visit asexuality.org/ and have your questions answered. Most AVENites are way smarter than I and they’ll explain it to you more clearly than I dd.
Comment by sjff — October 27, 2009 @ 3:49 pm